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( cont from here )
[izuku didn't mind waiting, gently kneading his palm, pricks of anxiety causing his fingers to tingle. his gaze moving from katsuki's hands to his face, lingering on the way his brow would furrow in concentration. he was thankful for the low light of his phone, it was easy on his eyes.]
I've looked worse.
[when he had left. pushing himself beyond his limits, shirking some of the ideals he had worked so hard to emulate. saving people with a smile, being together with his friends and saving the world together. like real superheroes would. the weight that sat upon his shoulders were great, and even now they sagged with the responsibility. it... was so much. all the time.
it had been so hectic lately that he realized, while he may have thanked uraraka for her help... he never gave kacchan the same courtesy. never gave him forgiveness for his apology.
he couldn't remember the last time katsuki called him by his name.
maybe it's because he didn't think there was anything to forgive, he had made peace with how he felt for kacchan a year ago. sharing his secret and working together... it was more than anything he could have wanted.]
All I remember... were people pushing more drinks into my hands. A few faces I recognized.
[the ones who protested his return the most.
...that still hurt. he had given everything to protect the people residing in this building. he would have given more if he could spare it. the angry yelling, the accusations. he was a threat, being here... even now there was the consistent worry in his gut and it made him shudder.
so he was thankful when he palms the cup of tea.
it was a faint smile he offers the other teen, but all too easy it faded. it was getting harder to smile these days.]
...Thanks.
[he doesn't move to straighten himself, as katsuki was a source of comfort. not just the warmth he provided when he felt so cold, but... just being there. so he does as instructed, bringing the tea closer as he closed his weary eyes, taking in a deep breath of the steam.]
[izuku didn't mind waiting, gently kneading his palm, pricks of anxiety causing his fingers to tingle. his gaze moving from katsuki's hands to his face, lingering on the way his brow would furrow in concentration. he was thankful for the low light of his phone, it was easy on his eyes.]
I've looked worse.
[when he had left. pushing himself beyond his limits, shirking some of the ideals he had worked so hard to emulate. saving people with a smile, being together with his friends and saving the world together. like real superheroes would. the weight that sat upon his shoulders were great, and even now they sagged with the responsibility. it... was so much. all the time.
it had been so hectic lately that he realized, while he may have thanked uraraka for her help... he never gave kacchan the same courtesy. never gave him forgiveness for his apology.
he couldn't remember the last time katsuki called him by his name.
maybe it's because he didn't think there was anything to forgive, he had made peace with how he felt for kacchan a year ago. sharing his secret and working together... it was more than anything he could have wanted.]
All I remember... were people pushing more drinks into my hands. A few faces I recognized.
[the ones who protested his return the most.
...that still hurt. he had given everything to protect the people residing in this building. he would have given more if he could spare it. the angry yelling, the accusations. he was a threat, being here... even now there was the consistent worry in his gut and it made him shudder.
so he was thankful when he palms the cup of tea.
it was a faint smile he offers the other teen, but all too easy it faded. it was getting harder to smile these days.]
...Thanks.
[he doesn't move to straighten himself, as katsuki was a source of comfort. not just the warmth he provided when he felt so cold, but... just being there. so he does as instructed, bringing the tea closer as he closed his weary eyes, taking in a deep breath of the steam.]
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No shit.
[no one wants to see the return of deku the demon bunny from that fucking month. when the guy was a complete idiot, looking down on all of them, their strengths and accomplishments, and striking out on his own like he's the only one in the fucking world who can shoulder the burden of being a hero. it was only fitting he looked like shit at the end of it. and bakugou partially wanted to make him look even worse before dragging his ass back to u.a. luckily, that didn't happen and he came back scruffy with his friends rather than beaten to hell and back as his classmate's prisoner.
katsuki never asked for acceptance or gratitude for his apology, or even acknowledgement. so long as izuku heard his voice, knew his heart was sincere even if it changed nothing between them. there's still so much he has to atone for, to change and fix, without compromising who he is as a person. honestly, midoriya doesn't have to thank him for it... his very existence beside him right now is the gratitude and acknowledgement to bakugou's words.
he's alive. he's home. what more can dynamight ask for?
some part of him lingers on the frustration that comes from not having to "pay" for what he's done. never one to sweep things under the rug and forget about them without addressing and rectifying them. izuku's never called him out on his actions entirely, though he has stood up to him during their time at u.a., refused to be his punching bag, reclaimed the hurtful nickname for his own, and had the spine to tell him off (nicely) and proclaim his intention to be number one. in little ways, the feelings have come out... but the reality that midoriya's long-since forgiven him is sometimes difficult for bakugou to swallow. expecting to push against a wall and instead finding himself tripping and falling into empty air.
it's just how his childhood friend is. not something katsuki can "get" fully. but rather something he has to accept.]
Learn to say "no", dumbass. Especially when alcohol's involved.
[passing the tea to him, the blonde returns to the pot again to empower the tea with more bobbing of the bag. izuku's current cup isn't as strong as it could be, but it's a start. the steam and herbs should help his throat and calm some of the nausea in his stomach. a decent preparation before tossing the pills down his gullet to help with the rest. the smile glowing softly behind him is a quiet reminder of who midoriya really is, but also that he's pretty fucked up and tired right now. it's no wonder he's dealing with this mess.
he's not worried. he's not, shut up. once deku's back with his friends, where he belongs, getting the support and attention he needs, that smile will come back. not the same carefree, brilliant hope for the future he had before. no, izuku's seen too much, shouldered to much, to have the same smile as before. but instead, a more mature, understanding, and determined smile. the kind that all might would show. the kind everyone could see and trust to know things were going to be all right.]
Aa. [the gratitude's accepted. bakugou's content to sit in silence with him, letting the other boy lean on him and take comfort in his presence, both physical, verbal, and any other way he needs right now.] When's the last time you were asleep? Use your fingers. Save your fucking voice.
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those voices were quiet now, thankfully. they did promise him they would keep out of his personal affairs. but it was still a little strange to just... have them present somewhere in the back of his mind. lingering and waiting to aid him when he needed it the most. if only that danger sense worked with alcoholic beverages.
his stomach churns but doesn't lurch. swallowing heavily he finally brings the mug to his lips.
learn to say no? maybe katsuki was right. there were a few acknowledgments and agreements in the corners of his mind, which caused izuku to sigh. okay. so he was right.
to save his voice he doesn't answer right away, taking a slow sip of the hot tea. it earned a muffled sound of relief as the hot liquid soothed his aching throat, the warmth spreading through his body slowly. he didn't realize how cold he felt.
setting the mug aside, he grabs his phone. if his fingers weren't feeling so stiff he would have tried signing, so instead he leans against the other teen a bit more as he lazily types his response. he was tired all the way down to his soul.
with his screen angled, it would be easier for kacchan to see what he had typed.]
i don't remember
i cant sleep for long
[he felt guilty about it, mainly because his mom kept worrying about his obvious lack of sleep.
setting his phone on his knee, he grabs the mug again so he could continuing breathing in the steam, warming his hands and taking sips when needed.]
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but that is a burden for a future time, not for the current moment as the steam of a well-brewed tea ghosts its way through izuku's mouth and coats the pain in his throat. katsuki sets the pills down on the little fold-out tray of the burner. spiked alcohol aside, at least their vagabond of a classmate's had the chance to return, clean up, and finally sleep. he needed the rest. needed the peace. even if for a short while. izuku... he's not all might. nor should he have to be.
he should be his own hero. it's strange to think of that realization, after their childhoods had been spent pretending to be all might or arguing over which of them would be his intern before finally surpassing him. but they were children then, with childish outlooks, childish dreams. now, reality has come for them. painful, humiliating, disappointment, struggling, mistakes, and more. katsuki's had to deal with that as well. perhaps even moreso than anyone else in class.
once izuku drinks, the blonde relaxes a little. that's one step down. he thought about bringing some sugar or honey with him, knowing the other boy likes sweeter things. but that would've required a trip downstairs, past his destination. he'll do it tomorrow. for now, let the herbs and heat work alongside the pills.]
Mh? [bump. katsuki looks over his shoulder at the sudden lean, only to find the green-haired teen working on is phone. texting. that's a good way to keep the conversation going after the explosive blonde forbid him from talking much. not that it's the easiest to read like this. get a damn crick in his neck.]
You were out for hours the night you got back. It's just your stomach.
[he knows it's not, but opts to dismiss it so izuku has less to worry about. since he did sleep for a long time that first night. so obviously he can. just... running himself to exhaustion and barely getting some decent sleep for once won't help his health. with the rest of the class around, they're not going to let him pull that kind of crap again. even if it means yaoyorozu has to pop sleeping pills in his mouth to knock him out for a good solid chunk of slumber.]
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he still could feel the ghost of warmth from iida's hand.
the way his chest clenched at bakugou's apology.
he had remembered, after ochaco's speech, watching katsuki's strong back as he nudged people out of the way, made sure no one crowded him as they got him inside. while it all hurt and weighed heavy, he certainly knew he would never be the same after this, izuku felt a warmth in him. it had really meant more than he could convey - especially now, hungover to hell and using kacchan as his source of comfort.
clearing his text box with one hand, taking another sip of his tea with the other, he types up a quick reply.]
yeah youre probably right
[in the same vein; he didn't want to worry katsuki more than he had to. he already felt guilty for messaging him so late in the evening. waking him up. always relying on him when things got rough. he felt like he took too much from him sometimes, yet right now he felt a sense of peace from his presence and he had no idea how to... convey it.
he makes sure to hold the phone out so katsuki didn't need to strain his neck too much, having noted the irritated expression.]
after the tea, kacchan, what should i take next?
[another sip and he taps at the side of his mug, adding more:]
you dont need to stay you know
im fine now thanks to you
]'i'm fine'.
izuku can't help his nature. he didn't want kacchan to stay here because he felt obligated to. the tea was doing its job, soothing his throat and calming the rolling in his gut.]
no subject
none of them do. they've made their choices. and they've accepted the results. words, actions, intentions. they're going forward, to make this world they live in a better place for everyone. villains, heroes, civilians, everyone.
at least midoriya was only hungover right now. there doesn't seem to be poison or anything more untoward him. too much to drink, too strong a liquor, and now it's all banging away inside him. bakugou remembers far too well what his childhood friend looked like all ratty and scuffed from his efforts alone. not something he wants to see again. feeling him resting against him now is a comforting warmth and pressure. a tangible reminder that midoriya is where he belongs: home.
he tilts his head back again to look at the phone. kinda funny to be communicating like this.]
"Probably"? Fuck you, I am.
[stop feeling guilty over this crap. luckily for izuku, katsuki had only just been drifting when the text came through. ironically, since coming to u.a., the other boy's relied on the blonde less and less. no longer following him, but instead determined to surpass him. impossible to surpass someone you use as a crutch. and izuku has far more friends now, an entire classroom of friends who all want to spend time with him. he... really doesn't take "too much" from katsuki anymore. and in some respects, the blonde's had to wrestle with frustrations and jealousy over that reality. as well as the guilt when realizing that jealousy wasn't a pure "he's my childhood friend" as someone might think...
thanks for not making him break his damn neck to read it.]
These. [he finally hands the pills over to midoriya, deeming he's had enough tea now not to drop these these things on a purely empty stomach. they'll break down in the tea and help calm his stomach and ease him to a more comfortable slumber. bakugou notes the "i'm fine" in the text and only scoffs. right, because "i'm fine" means anything but when it comes to the other her.] Uh-huh. I'll leave when I fucking want.
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he really was stupid sometimes.]
maybe
[though he snorts a bit when he types it out.
it was the little change in mood that he needed, the smallest of smiles lingering on his softer expression as he sets his nearly drained tea back to the side. he doesn't straighten his posture when he takes the pills, content to lean against the taller teen, swallowing them down and chasing them with the last of his tea with a relieved breath puffed against katsuki's shoulder.]
fine
i'm happy you're here
[subconsciously, between his dry retching earlier, there was a reason katsuki was the first person he came to. the first person he thought to message. he's known him forever, no matter how rough and bumpy that road had been. no matter how many times katsuki had pushed him away, vitriol dripping from his words. he was too important for izuku to ever leave alone.
one of the first people he would think of whenever he was in a tight spot.
besides, he'd rather kacchan's refreshingly brutal honesty than the gentle chiding disappointment from anyone else.]
no subject
no argument against izuku being stupid...]
Didja just got deaf too?! Not "maybe", dammit!
[he's doing that on purpose! asshole! don't go puking your guts up with a massive headache and still find the strength to be a sarcastic little shit! katsuki glares at him for the millionth time, but his narrowed eyes stay locked onto izuku's mouth and throat. gonna make sure he swallows the damn pills before letting up on the hawkish gaze. least he got to see that tiny tilt of his lips into a smile before downing them. good. he shifts just enough to nudge against the other hero, adapting to how he's leaning on him and supporting him even better. the ghost of warm air against his shoulder is nice.]
S'why I'm not leaving. You'd drown in the toilet or something if I left you.
[you know, can't just admit he's here to make izuku happy and keep him well, right? but with the pills swallowed and the shorter boy resting again, katsuki refills his tea with another shot of the now hotter and stronger herbal drink. only halfway, won't make him guzzle it, and sets it down beside him to take when he's ready. could probably do to cool it down a bit too. he leans back against his childhood friend, resting.]
Give it a few minutes to kick in.
no subject
he hadn't been pushed away just yet, so he was enjoying this as much as he could before katsuki would have to leave.]
i wouldnt drown in the toilet kacchan
[pulling back only a little so he can raise a brow at him, a faint smile still lingering as he points at the screen! he wasn't THAT bad. he'd drown in his own tears than a toilet, that was a far more likely thing to happen.
but he was happy he wasn't leaving.]
i think i'm never going to drink again
and ask before i accept one
as nice as this is i'm not looking to repeat hours in the bathroom
the tea tastes nice though
[he'll just partake in the water graciously while he waits for the refill to cool. as nice as the heat was on his throat, he didn't want to burn himself. he wasn't that incompetent at his own self care, even if he was notoriously bad at it.]
where'd you learn how to take care of hangovers like this kacchan?
you're really good at it
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You went to the store for snacks and came back from a villain fight.
[he was "that" bad and katsuki's sticking to the reputation danger-prone deku's earned for himself. most of it not his fault, though some of it definitely is. and no, he's not going to combat the tear drowning either, idiot. while he could get up and leave, the time for that decision's come and gone; he's gonna stay.]
Don't make rash decisions on one fucking experience. Just keep an eye on your drink and stick to one for the night.
[it's called being responsible and managing your surroundings. besides, one drink means you aren't going to chug it and thus have more time to feel if something's "off" after a bit. a bad hangover certainly feels like it's the perfect way to swear off drinking, but you know... eventually hangovers wear off and your friends are still there to ask for a night out.
yeah, notoriously bat his own self care and still saying he's not "that" bad as to drown in the toilet. katsuki rests his case.]
Damn parents came back one night drunk as fuck and I had to take care of them in the morning.
[it certainly wasn't cause HE ever had a bad hangover and had to take care of it himself cause he's a self-reliant asshole who'd never allow someone into his room to see him hanging over the toilet bowl and barely flipping through his phone to look for quick hangover remedies.]
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That... wasn't my fault?
[he rasps this out, forgetting to type because of the audacity! he opened his mouth to say more, to point out it was only the one time, but he shuts it as he goes over most of his little run-ins or clumsy accidents. so maybe he had the uncanny ability to magnetize trouble to his person 4 out of 5 times. that wasn't exactly his fault, not always. but izuku will concede, huffing a bit as he sinks back into the other teen, cheek pressed into kacchan's shoulder as he puffs out a small sigh.]
you cant be right all the time kacchan
[despite the little pout almost pressed into katsuki's shoulder, he was... rather thankful for this time? who knew how much longer they could sit and talk like this. not training, not doing things with everyone else. the preparations were grueling and necessary. izuku knew that. and while the circumstances weren't the best, he didn't like appearing this way in front of his closest friend, but he valued this quiet.
he valued katsuki so damned much.]
maybe when everything is done
maybe... a drink to celebrate
[though his fingers hesitate writing that. it wasn't as if he thought the victory was assured, but they couldn't afford to lose. what frightened him were the possibility of casualties. what if this was the last time?
his brow furrows a little, but he pushes those feelings down. no. they'll be okay. they had to. he couldn't lose anyone else.
he definitely couldn't lose...
izuku flicks his gaze to the strong line of kacchan's jaw, then back to his phone.]
my mom doesnt really drink, not even on holidays
but i do need to take care of her after the first night of my visits when i can
she usually cries herself into dehydration
[what he neglects to say with that, is how they both needed to have a day of rest whenever he went home. it was easy for izuku to get caught up in emotions, to cry along with his mother until they both looked like raisins.]
sorry for the delay. family weekend.
Never said it was. Just said it happened.
[can't lie and say izuku doesn't often find himself in trouble, whether it stumbles upon him (or comes after him) or he falls into its path. katsuki's the one who gives the other hero A Look when he talks through his mouth instead of using his damn phone. at least it's not as bad as it had been before he'd drank the tea. izuku shutting up and thinking is basically admitting he knows the explosive blonde is right and katsuki snorts in silent satisfaction that his point's made. even the other side validates it with a sinking huff.]
Watch me.
[arrogance is a hard kill. right all the time... he's right most of the time, and if not, he's stubborn enough to try and make it right. but so many things during his time at u.a. had gone anything but "right" for him, forcing katsuki to reevaluate almost every damn thing. and now, in the calm before the storm, he's left thinking back on everything that's happened, everything that's led up to here. is it foolish to wonder if there had been something he could've done to prevent this? to somehow take away the danger looming over his classmates, his childhood best friend, his idol...
yes. the answer is yes. it is foolish to think such a thing. this was going to happen one way or another. what his goal now is to make sure this fucking idiot is still here by the time the dust settles. to make sure they win. and save everyone by doing so.]
I'll take a damn nap.
[talking as if they already won might seem foolish to some, but who the hell goes into a battle thinking they might not win? who walks forward planning to lose? fuck that! he'll approach this challenge the same way he always has: head on with burning self-assurance that he'll conquer everything the other side can throw at him! all for one, shigaraki, he'll blow them all away and come out victorious! entering the battlefield with any outcome asides from complete victory in his head is nothing more than a distraction and waste of his time. he'll win. they'll all win. there's no spare room for other options.
they won't lose. anyone. ever again!
katsuki's conscious of izuku's warmth against him. he's felt that body before, lanky, soft, shivering, and nothing at all exemplifying what a hero should be. physically. but now, that body is completely different. strong, scarred, solid, a crafted vestibule of the hero izuku has become. there's no way he'll allow him to fail. no fucking way...]
Baka. You left out the part where you're a fucking dried up raisin alongside her. Crybaby, Deku.
[he pours himself a cup of tea, though only half of one, since the drink's for izuku. eyes lingering forward, he lifts the hot brew to his lips and blows on it silently.]
My old shits occasionally do. They're horrible even fucking tipsy.
it's all good! deku and i ain't going anywhere. c:
'watch me.'
shifting a bit next to him, so he could look back at his screen. izuku nearly making the mistake of pointing out that kacchan had sounded like endeavor-san, but thought better of it. so, instead he opts for something a bit more truthful as he always did strive to be;]
i never stopped
[a simple statement of his own. something that may have been embarrassing to admit for anyone other than izuku. he had always been there, from trailing behind, to walking alongside. eager eyes tracking kacchan's progress and growth, inspired by his strength and tenacity. so many people could claim to be strong, but to izuku... katsuki managed to have both bark and bite, and how he still set his sights higher and higher...
he was inspiring.
fighting alongside him, to be heroes together. it was a dream come true for him, tarnished a bit by the current state of their breaking world. but nothing could take away from their teamwork or how it made him feel. always reaching out, hand outstretched. katsuki always seemed so far away.
he blinked away his reminiscing, taking another sip of his own tea with a gentle 'ahhh' of relief.]
i think last new years was the worst of it. we nearly flooded the apartment downstairs. but i was doing really well! after i showed mom the letter eri-chan wrote for me she burst into tears and then i did and it was a mess.
[a fond memory he hoped to take with him in the final battle to come. to remember the warmth in his chest, the people he was fighting for. the people they had lost. the ones they could yet save.]
define horrible. your mom and dad have always been very sweet to me.
so glad to hear it!
katsuki's very much aware that his comment sounded like endeavor. despite the utter monstrous bastard the man was, there's no denying he's an amazing hero. his drive, conviction, and results are worth learning from and even emulating, though obviously his methods and motives were fucking shit. but... he's improved a lot over the year, and bakugou saw a lot of himself in endeavor as much as the man did in him. a lot of who he could become. elements both to strive for and to avoid.
but really, when has he not told the world to "watch me"? reputation and image are one thing, but it's the results that matter most. (SCREW YOU, DENIM HEAD!! NEVER!!)]
I know.
[as much as he hated to admit it, katsuki had always watched izuku. for so many damn reasons. looking down on him to make sure he stayed as far behind and away from him as possible. looking behind himself in rage and surprise as the shitty weakling began to catch up to him. gaping in shock and staring wide-eyed as he not only came neck and neck to him, but even managed to surpass him! boring holes in his green-haired head as he sprinted forward as fast as possible, clawing at every scrap of strength and improvement he could to tear shut that suddenly-reversed gap between them, refusing to be the one playing catch up, damning everything if he was to stay behind as the loser!
watching him silently as izuku improved in front of his eyes with each private lesson all might set before him, understanding more and more those facets that made izuku izuku. before finally understanding enough to regard his best friend as the hero he always had been, the one katsuki knew he was from the start. the one he didn't want to see because in so many ways, izuku could be better... than him. but no, he refused to accept that. forever he'd watch izuku and challenge him, knowing those green eyes were always on him as well, promising to overtake the new symbol of peace and surpass him no matter what. because izuku never stopped watching him... because katsuki couldn't take his eyes off of him either.
silent in his own thoughts, the bombastic teen breaks from the mulling as that soft exhale seeps out behind him. ugh, bastard. you don't have to vocalize your drinking! swear he rolls his eyes so hard, he scraped them against the top of his skull.]
There's not even water in the human body... I don't even wanna fucking think about it.
[and goes back to his tea, doing his damnest not to envision izuku and his mother flooding the damn apartments below them. or the waterworks at the end of the cavalry battle that drove deku to his knees through solid rock. how the fuck is that not a quirk somehow? forceful tears or some shit like that...]
Mrgh-! [katsuki makes a stressed noise into his tea, shoulders hunching at the question. why the hell does he have to ask him to relive those memories?!] You've never seen them drunk, idiot. They fucking horrible, clinging to me and talking like I'm some damn little kid again! [yes, because 'horrible' for katsuki bakugou is an overly-affectionate smothering parent.]
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he wanted to tell him how much kacchan meant to him. while he had been desperate to catch up to him, so they could walk on the same level playing field, he didn't mind watching him from behind. how katsuki was his hero, when he thought of 'winning' his childhood friend was who he would conjure in his mind.
leaving had been the hardest part.
izuku didn't like leaving things unsaid, to 'wait until it's over' when nothing was guaranteed. would they win? they had to. were there going to be irreplaceable costs and damage, both physical and emotionally? absolutely. izuku would protect who he could, but wallowing in that mindset he had realized a few things about himself. about the other teen he was nestled against quite comfortably.
he would die for any of the heroes that were going to be on the field. not like he would intend it, there was no way he could lose this fight. but like kacchan had said in his apology, his body moved without him thinking. deku had that problem too, he cared a little too much and sometimes his instinct would take over.
but for katsuki? if anything were to happen to him.
it was a different feeling. that hollowness in his gut, the rage that could consume him. he knew himself, knew the lengths he would go to. -not like he would ever admit as much, and he was sure he had a better control on it now, but then again... strong emotions trigger strong responses. he'd pity the villain who would try.
...
his thoughts were getting too dark, his brow furrowing a little. it was only kacchan's voice that brought him back from wallowing, and his expression softens immediately.]
you'd be surprised, kacchan
[his mom was softer than he was, clearly who he got his temperament from. and she had a lot of feelings in her. honestly... having her here had been nice. he had been so worried, but seeing her every day. eating meals with her. introducing his friends... eri-chan, their teachers. it had been a spark of light he had held on to.
he wanted to come back to this.
with kacchan hunching his shoulders he nearly sunk into the wall behind him. so izuku adjusts with a snort. a smile lingering as he typed.]
sorry, kacchan. you have a bunch of people who love you. you just gotta accept it. :)
[his response was... incredibly endearing, if izuku was being honest with himself.]
no subject
even if it took some of them more time than others to voice it, every single one of them knew the moment they read their letters that this wasn't going to be how it ended. they all knew, he saw it in their eyes, that each of them was ready to go bring izuku back. whether he wanted it or not. so he could tell them all those things in person, tell him in the same room, as proof that he was alive, with them, where he was supposed to be.
and then there were the other things, those serious, sincere, and weighty things that katsuki said to him in the rain. admitting his jealousy, his confusion, his anger and abuse, everything izuku had burdened all those years... everything katsuki apologized for. he knows he'll never be able to atone for all of it, but he'll be damned if he lets izuku fall after all this time.
there had been times when katsuki thought he might apologize, but each of those times, he backed away from it. pride choking the words in his throat. humiliation smothering the apology that could've come earlier. cowardly excuses like time and place letting him dodge and avoid it for a "later" that never wanted to come. until that moment, when he realized there was no more "later" to be had. because "now" was when he spoke. he hadn't been "ready" entirely, but he realized it as soon as he threw iida forward, that while iida could catch and bring izuku down, amid all the words of admiration, anger, logic, and protests of their classmates that reached out to catch a falling hero and hold him close, it was up to him to say the things that would wake izuku back up.
there's no more time to wait. there's no more later for any of them. they're going forward. no matter what it brings into their lives. war. pain. sorry. death. come what may, this is who they are. heroes who save. how could katsuki profess he could save everyone when he couldn't even save the one person who meant the most to him? they had to get izuku back... he had to. just as they had---izuku had---come to save him. because that's why they were.
there's no point in thinking about what might happen. whether izuku will come out of this war alive or dead, whole or maimed, quirk or quirkless, it's not going to help any of them to worry about what might be post-war when they haven't yet set foot on that final battlefield. focus on the now, rest and recover, and move ahead with the confidence they're going to win. and protect as many people as possible along the way. even if some of those bastards don't want to be.]
The hell am I gonna be surprised about?
[he knew his parents drunk! it was very seldom, but the few times it happened were enough to ingrain it in his mind that it was a bad fucking thing! his mom still didn't fucking get it! grabbing him for a hug despite his snarling and scrambling while she squeezed the ever-living breath out of him. patting his head or rubbing his hair, then braining him when he yelled at her to stop with that sappy shit already. and yet despite all of that, katsuki made sure she and his dad were safe in u.a. he wasn't going to risk anything happening to them. not after all they'd been through because of him.
izuku had the right idea. they wanted to come back to this. all of this. from the normal to the better. when he felt izuku sink thanks to his shoulders, katsuki instinctively swings his hand backwards to catch him, just in case the other boy had the idea he shouldn't be leaning up against him right now. once the other boy adjusts, he takes his arm back and sits up a bit straighter so he's got a better resting surface. hmph... he's not your damn pillow.]
I know that, Deku! They don't have to fucking smother me about it. [katsuki finishes off his tea and sets the cup down. typical deku.] How's your throat and stomach? Settled any?
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they all forgave him.
dipping his toes into darkness had skewed his focus, if even a little, but there was no fixing that. he had pushed himself to his absolute limits, running on fumes and his own self-importance. it had left him so empty that he thought he would never feel the same warmth from those he loved ever again. while he tried not to wallow too much in his mistakes, this one nearly cost him the people he loved the most.
letting out a slow and even breath, breathing in the boy he was leaning into. he had never thought there would come a day where he would willingly push kacchan away.
it made his heart wrench.]
the combo tear power of me and my mom! just drop us into the villain's base and we could drown them out
easy
[a faint smile lingering, knowing it was stupid. but sometimes he needed the opportunity to be a stupid teenager. it felt like the last few months have aged him rapidly. so when he closes his eyes this time, he nearly doesn't open them. he had felt so soothed and warm in this moment, the muscles in his body relaxing as the quiet and sound of kacchan's voice filled him with this much needed calm.
yet he cracks an eye open, the other following suit as he focuses on typing.]
my throat feels a lot better, and i don't feel nauseous anymore.
you're a real life-saver, kacchan
i really needed this
[his fingers hovering over the digital keyboard, something causing him to hesitate. the virtual keys tapping, then he's erase what he wanted to say. chewing on his bottom lip as he considered what he wanted to ask, and how selfish it was. had he earned the right to be selfish? to ask for something he needed? there was a gnawing in his gut, a cold drop of fear pooling deep in his stomach.
it was stupid.
this was stupid.]
...Katsuki.
[his tone rough around the edges, yet it did sound better than it had. before the other boy could fix him with a Look for talking, he shies his gaze away, staring at his fingers and the words they refused to write. he flexed him then, feeling the scar tissue stretch to accommodate the movement.
izuku felt something inside him urge him forward, a touch of confidence before dissipating in the back of his mind.]
Spend the night?
[the request came on a whisper, as not to agitate his throat and because he wasn't sure if it was okay of him to ask. he felt like he took too much of kacchan's time already, they both needed their rest. but he didn't want to be alone in the darkness of his room. alone to think and ponder, no matter how exhausted he might be. he could feel the pills working, but knew his dreams would be turbulent.
so far, with katsuki beside him, he had felt this calm in him that he hadn't enjoyed in awhile.
...
besides, he missed him. no bolstering of his waning courage will get him to say it, however. but that didn't make it any less true.]
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questions izuku's gonna have to ask himself, questions that katsuki had already wondered about himself. but those self doubts he pushed away, because he didn't have resources to waste on something like fucking doubt. funny thing is, izuku's actions never ran the risk of losing the people he loved most. they had no intention of letting him go. the one way he could've lost them is if he'd died. and they weren't willing to let that happen either. they were his class, his friends, and he was stuck with them forever.
each rhythm of izuku's breath presses against his back and ghosts across his shoulder and cheek, timing themselves with the blonde's in unconscious synchrony. reminiscent of those times long ago when they napped together as children. katsuki had always wanted izuku to leave him along during middle school, but the one time izuku willingly ran from him, he came after him with every intent to catch him and keep him there. not just for his sake, but for his own. for theirs.]
As if you'd fucking cry in the face of a villain.
[katsuki clicks the burner off, lingering in the steam drifting from the teapot. guess they all needed this break. a chance to rest and put everything away for a little while. they've all grown up so much over the year. katsuki often bragged about how he was going to operate at a pro level while he was at u.a., but god damn did he not understand entirely what his foolish self had said all those months ago. he's experienced villains, battles, humiliations, exhaustion, more effort and work than he realized. no longer being at the top because everyone else was beneath him, but because the work he put in that effortlessly shot him to the pinnacle of his small pond back home was now only breaking even with many people. all of that rests on his shoulders now as he takes the time to rest beside his friend.]
Stop getting in trouble that I need to come save your stupid ass, idiot.
[but they both know he'd save him every single time. gripe about it, yell at him, maybe blast him or beat him on the head, but always there to catch him. with the tea finished and izuku feeling better, there wasn't much more reason for him to stay here. maybe to make sure the other boy got in bed and went the fuck to sleep, but he didn't need to stay around for the latter part. he had his own things to do, his own sleep to get, and-]
Hm?
[it's still rare for izuku to use his real name. katsuki shuts the small tray on the side of the burner, leaving izuku the time to collect his thoughts. something's weighing on his mind and yelling at him to spit it the fuck out will just make him clam up or yell back. not something he needs to be doing with his throat as raw as it is. katsuki rests his hand on the floor, drumming fingers silently against the rug. didn't mean he couldn't start to prickle impatience waiting.]
Haa?
[katsuki looks over his shoulder, one eye larger than the other beneath an arched brow in an incredulous expression. did he seriously just ask him that?! what the fuck are they, five again?! they don't need to be sleeping in the same damn room! it's not like izuku needed him here to sleep better. or that katsuki had already thought about lingering to make sure he got to sleep. or that he felt better being beside his childhood friend right now... his expression softens as he slowly turns his head back to face forward. it'd been a long time since they'd share a bed together. how many nights had izuku slept alone out there for that month? without the presence of his family or his friends around him... people he'd become used to being so close by.
katsuki sighs before rolling his shoulders and then straightening up, pushing izuku back in a slight nudge to get him ready to rise.]
Fine. Lemme go get my shit and I'll be back.
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but they would share a meal, izuku nodding off here and there. when the number two hero shared the seat... the young hero would gently relay the situation with a healing voice. hawks never held anything back, and deku appreciated that. he would offer a broken wing, the soft downy of the remaining feathers brushing his cheek and lulling him to sleep. he would nap better with hawks. but neither of the pros had him fall into such a deep slumber than endeavor. probably because the man was large and imposing, heat rolling from him in waves. on the cold, rainy nights it had been enough.
beds were often a luxury, anything more than a handful of hours at a time would make izuku feel impossibly guilty. as if every moment his eyes would close meant another moment someone would be lost and it would be his fault. soon it would only be him and all might, until he pushed him too away.
he had never felt so stupid in his life.
he had to wonder if it was really worth it, the stress he had caused the pros and his close friends. that guilt slumping his shoulders and making his body feel so heavy.
brought out of those thoughts again by kacchan, though he didn't meet his gaze after issuing his selfish little question. he had been anticipating a rejection, the line of his shoulder tense and painful. but the rejection never came, getting nudged back and settling against the wall as he glanced to the other boy in genuine wonder. it made something familiar and giddy flutter deep in his stomach. something he had pushed down for years, when he knew what that feeling meant. izuku wouldn't be hopeful about it, he just wanted the company.
as infrequent his sleep schedule was when away, he had cherished the moments in that backseat, with one of his mentors sharing it with him. offering what comfort they could in their own ways. maybe it helped them feel less guilty, maybe they genuinely cared about him too. the way best jeanist would brush his bangs back and urge him to sleep, the concern in both hawks and endeavor's eyes before he would run off into uncertain dangers. he had callously pushed it all away.
he needed to apologize to them too.
for now he gives an absent nod, breathing out his tension.]
The... door will be open.
[he offers, flicking his gaze back to katsuki before he slowly got to his own feet. he felt weak and shaky, but he looked a hell of a lot better. just tired. absently he tugged at his shirt, he'll change into something fresh when bakugou goes to get his own. he had been careful not to spill his sick on himself, but he did sweat through it. a wipe down with a cloth can hold him until his morning shower, a fresh shirt and boxers should work for tonight.
the bed might not be big, but it would be enough.
an embarrassed hand lifts, rubbing at his nape as he glanced away. he wanted to thank him again, for accepting the invite. but he didn't want to push his luck.]
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his empty room got more than a few visitors over that week. uraraka standing within it quietly talking to him, sometimes crying. iida vowing over his bed to bring him back. yaoyorozu apologizing to his desk for not seeing the signs. and bakugou... he'd stood in the doorway one night, eyes meeting all of those smiling faces plastered on the walls and grinning at him from the desk and shelves. all might was out there too... bu what would he do in this case? of course he'd go, of course he'd win, but... would he break the law if it meant doing so to achieve that victory? he couldn't just sit there and do nothing!
so they finally made their decision and pushed the issue. they left to do what they should've done the very first night. to rescue their friend from the burden he carried and the stupidity he was drowning himself in for the sake of everyone else. no one could do this alone. all might, yes. but deku... deku was not all might. he wanted to be better than all might, surpass him. and to do that, he couldn't be alone. that was all might's way. it wasn't deku's. it wasn't theirs.
this was their way forward to a better future. as heroes.
katsuki collects what he needs from his room, lingering beside his own bed for a few minutes. it wasn't a selfish request. how often did izuku spend the night with one of the pros sitting beside him? seriously, the guy slept in hospital beds with people near him for plenty of nights during the first half a year at u.a. but it was different with him. because of their past... how long has it been since he spent the night in izuku's bed? lying awake for a few minutes to protectively guard the other boy's sleep and promising him to beat up any nightmares that even tried to poke their scary faces through the door. nightmares of children weren't the same as those of adults, huh. katsuki turns and heads out of his room, closing the door behind him.
returning to izuku's room, he's got his toiletries bag looped over one elbow, his blanket and pillow over his shoulder. might not use them, but you know, comfort is comfort in the familiar. a black tank top and some black lounge pants, because when's he ever in anything different in casual sleepwear? katsuki shuts izuku's door behind him and sets the toiletries bag on his desk, then tosses his pillow and blanket over to the other boy's bed. he shucks his lounge pants afterwards, left in just his boxer briefs and top, folds them and puts them atop his bag. already brushed his teeth and everything. this was just for the morning or if he needed it.
then takes a seat on izuku's bed, looking at him. good thing he freshened up a bit or katsuki wouldn't demanded he go take a sponge bath. the tea and burner sit on the desk beside his bag, packed up and resting for the night. everything's as it should be... where it should be. the bed might not be big, but it's enough. easily. izuku's embarrassment is expected.]
Scoot over. I'll take the outside.
[keeping izuku between himself and the wall, safe from anything that might want to get him. they'd have to get through katsuki first.]
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but he didn't want to think about it anymore, he had been thinking about it too much. he didn't want to go mad, he didn't want to wallow and fall into a darkness that even iida couldn't reach. he had just been laying here, an arm across his forehead as he focused on the sound of his own breathing. the voices inside were blissfully quiet, staying true to their word to give him peace when he wasn't training or fighting.
it still felt weird to be privy to them. the ghosts that haunted him. would he hear them forever? would they stop when they dealt with all for one? they were quiet now too, when his mind went to them. but kacchan's footsteps brought him out of it, his arm moving to rest across his abdomen, tired eyes taking in the sight of the other teen, trying not to linger anywhere inappropriate.
though he does move to shield himself from the onslaught of pillow and blanket, a faint smile on his lips as he set kacchan's stuff next to him.
he scoots over wordlessly, waiting for katsuki to get in and comfortable before he settled himself proper. there was something warm and safe in the arrangement, not like he couldn't take care of himself, but izuku was learning that maybe it was okay to have others care for him too.]
...Thanks.
[there was more he could say, more he wanted to say. but he didn't have the heart to, exhaustion settling heavy in his bones. an encompassing 'thanks' will do for now.]
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true, he'd fallen. his path wasn't wrong, but it'd led him down a route that he never should've taken. they went after izuku and the caught him before he could slip any further. not to tell him he was horrible or even that he was wrong, but to simply remind him that he didn't have to do this alone. that he should trust them. and he had. even though they fought, he'd eventually realized it and accepted their help. it's all they wanted. it's... it's what katsuki wanted too.
because he knows izuku better than anyone else in this school, in the world. and he knows what happens when you give and give and give. eventually you run out. as he lies down beside him, katsuki settles in the bed, drawing the covers up over their bodies to rest around their chests. slowly warming up the sheets. he's back... he's home. amid the darkness, a quiet whisper of gratitude floats out on a very tired voice. of course there are things that could be said, want to be said... but not tonight.
katsuki turns over on his side and drapes his arm across izuku's chest, hand tucking beneath his ribs to hold him close and secure. as kids, he promised he wouldn't let anything get his best friend in the night. promised he'd be safe and have good dreams and they'd see each other in the morning light. it's the same promise here, resting across izuku's body as katsuki settles beside him.]
Go to sleep, Deku. I'm here.
[that's all. nothing else needs to be said. he's given that promise once more. katsuki closes his eyes and rests, refusing to go to sleep just yet as he guards the other hero's sleep. the symbol of peace, one of the greatest heroes the world will ever know, his childhood best friend, that's who he's protecting right now. watching over him until he knows izuku's fallen asleep and resting before katsuki allows himself to finally drift off.]
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reminisce of days when they were younger, from naps to falling asleep early. a comforting arm wrapped around him tight, shooing away villains and nightmares with the utmost confidence.
it had such a calming effect on izuku, shown in the way his breath already started to even out, eyelids heavy. so he shifts to his side, facing the other boy as he scooted in closer. his touch lingers on katsuki's arm for a moment more than it should, before he lets go so he could return the gesture, an arm across kacchan's waist and his face close to his neck.
through sleep he'd probably cling closer, drawn to kacchan's warmth. but this was the most relaxed he had felt since coming back home. he couldn't even utter a 'good night' as sleep took him almost immediately, lines of worry smoothing out across his features. the stiff line of his shoulders all but melting away.
he was here.
and deku was home.]